Rants/Critiques
On being a victim-blaming asshole
Jul 9th
I usually don’t write up response posts because I feel I don’t have the eloquence to say what needs to be said; however, a certain post written directly as a response to Britni’s attack pushed me over the edge. Victim blaming unfortunately has become a popular sport not only amongst misogynist men, but also misogynist women. Need examples? Take a look over at the first post I linked to and scroll down to the comments.
Which leads us to why people choose to be victim-blaming idiots. Why? Because they want to feel they have control. Nothing like what happened to Britni could ever happen to them, right? They obviously aren’t “asking for it.”
I wrote about my own close encounters with sexual assault a while back and let me tell you, I, like Britni, was definitely not asking for it. Why then did I have this happen to me? Because there are douches everywhere. No matter where you live, what class you come from, or how you dress, walk, or talk there will always be people waiting to take advantage of you and violate your bodily autonomy. You’re sitting there reading this thinking, “Oh, well, I’m not going to go out and act like Britni.” Well, great for you for not going out and having fun like a normal person, but you should know that the majority of sexual assaults are done by people you know and trust. You are, my friend, at risk.
So let’s recap a little bit. So we’ve established that:
- People can be victim-blaming douches
- Even those people are at risk for being sexually assaulted
- Even if you only go out with people you know, you are still at risk for being assaulted by a good friend
Considering all of these things, why is it that people feel the need to keep on blaming the victim? Again, it’s about being in control and distancing themselves from the possibility of this happening to them. Why do men* blame the victim? They want to distance themselves from the attacker because they are also a man.
I’m really sick of victim-blaming sex bloggers. You sit there and claim to be sex positive and you’re making yourself seem like the Tea Party or the “Miniskirt Judge” from Spain. Quit claiming to be one thing and then being so obviously the other.
Britni, I’m sorry you had to go through this shit so soon (or ever really) after an assault. I really respect you for staying so strong throughout this whole ordeal.
*heterosexual cis-men
On Respecting Women’s Reproductive Choices
Jun 17th
Those of you that know me well know that I have never wanted a to have a child nor do I want to at any point in the future. This has caused tensions with members of my family who all throw out the now cliché phrases of, “You’ll change your mind” and “You’ll find your maternal instincts” and “Babies are the best thing that can happen to you.” While I have come to expect these reactions from my grandparents, aunt and at times my mother, I would never have expected that these attitudes and statements would come from the mouths of gynecologists and their nurse practitioners.
The first time I brought up the idea of getting Essure sterilization done was my first ever trip to a gynecologist when I was 19 for ovarian cysts. She promptly shut me down, would not answer my questions and told me that I would change my mind in the future. I was in shock that she would not even discuss the option with me. Was she a doctor or my mother? Being that it was my first trip to a gynecologist I was too nervous to press the issue and walked away from the appointment with no information.
At each appointment there after I kept asking and she kept denying me. She said she would give me hormonal birth control and that was it, which had proven itself not to be compatible with my body even though I had tried multiple kinds.
When having a conversation with a friend, this occurred: (He is marked out in black, I am marked out in light blue)
While the person I was talking with is a good friend he assumes something that is far too common — women don’t realize that they can’t get the procedure reversed. If someone has taken the time to research permanent birth control options she is more than likely aware that they are. . . permanent.
Toygirl and I had a great little conversation about this when I showed her another conversation I had with a male friend in which he said that denying a woman the surgery does not imply that she cannot make her own informed choices about her reproductive health:
In conclusion to my rant, there are 50 doctors within a 20 mile radius of my apartment who perform the procedure. I’m hoping one of them will respect my choice.
Feel free to share your experiences with people dis/respecting your reproductive choices. I’d love to have a discussion going.
Thanks for tellin’ me ’bout the dick, Mister.
May 8th
Apparently, according to this genius, I should love huge cock. I don’t mean bigger than average 7″ dick, but “the bigger the better.” Apparently, I should want to come home to this sucker every night and have it all up in me:
Yeah. . . no. Why should I want this giant piece of meat? Well, silly, it’s simple! According to the second biggest mansplainer I’ve ever come across on the internet, women get more physical and “psychological” pleasure out of huge cock. Yep, we like ‘em the size of a baseball bat according to this guy. He says big cocks build more anticipation for sex and prove a guy’s masculinity. I say bullshit. Cocks are great in all sizes, but no, I’m wrong according to him:
Many people try to downsize the importance of penis size by claiming that it is just as breast size: “Some women prefer a large penis just like some men prefer large breasts.”As you can see above, this is a false explanation because first of all, the words someshould be replaced by most and secondly, women desire big penises more than men desire big breasts.
Ah, thanks for clarifying, random dude! So my friend who complains of getting her cervix rammed into oblivion by bigger guys is giving a “false explanation” and really “desires big penises.” Awesome. I’ll be sure to inform her that the pain she encounters with larger men is just not real. She must love big cock because she’s a woman and we’re all the fucking same. I’m so glad this guy was kind enough to enlighten me!
Also, my “vaginal pleasure” will be enhanced:
A woman’s vaginal pleasure during intercourse is greatly although not exclusively dependent on her partner’s penis size. Usually bigger is better until a certain limit which varies somewhat from girl to girl. Some get off more on very thick penises, others more on long ones, and others on a combination of both. This doesn’t mean that an average or small penis can’t give them any satisfaction. Depending on a man’s penis size and her vagina size, she might experience less or more satisfaction (see page 41, Your Chances To Satisfy Your Brand New Girlfriend). Many women are vaginal (need penetration) while others are oral (prefer cunnilingus). But even the ones who are not vaginal will still prefer a good medium size penis.
Also, who knew I can be vaginal or oral? Such medical terms! I have learned so much already from this dude. He’s so enlightening. Oh, and if I ever need to give advice to a friend, I’ll make sure to send him to “Your Chances To Satisfy Your Brand New Girlfriend.” That will definitely boost his ego knowing that there’s a sage-like man on the internet that personally knows him and his partner’s sexual preferences.
In addition to why I like the BIG COCKZ, this guy knows why guys like me. Awesome. Let’s see why!
Strong female characteristics (traits):
- gentle facial features
- big eyes (mascara)
- small nose
- big lips (lipstick)
- small jaw and chin
- small slender neck
- small shoulders
- small slender arms and hands
- big breasts with big nipples
- small back and small waist
- relatively big hips and bubble-butt
- protruding genitals with big engorged inner and outer labia
- firm curvy legs
- small slender feet
The above characteristics are what makes a woman feminine. It is a combination of smaller versus bigger body parts. When all these female characteristics are emphasized in a certain woman, men will favor her above one with less pronounced features. She satisfies his instinct by confirming that he is dealing with a true woman.
Awesome, okay, so checklist time. I have. . . big boobs and decently normal lips. Uh oh, I’m not a true woman. Please excuse me while I tell my partner he’s not longer allowed to fuck me and should obviously move onto someone more feminine.
So, I’m now feeling like a burly manly lady and he continues his mansplaining:
Women consider a deeper voice more masculine, I don’t think anyone disagrees with that. (Read “Boom and Bust” at nature.com or “Seduce her in an elevator” at Men’s Health.) So why would anyone disagree with the factthat women consider a bigger penis more masculine? Accept it.
Hear that guys? Accept it. Big cock is fucking awesome. You should also try to seduce me in a fucking elevator by trying to BE BARRY WHITE. God, what would you guys do without this? Not harass women? That would be a boring world, wouldn’t it?
In conclusion, this guy is a fucking idiot. All penis sizes are awesome as are all women. The end.
This guy is about as qualified to give sex advice as the Pope
Apr 30th
I was going to let other people handle making posts about the now-infamous HealthyStrokes.com, but there are some things on his horrible excuse for a site that make me want to jump in as well. Firstly, if you haven’t go read this, this and this. By the time you do that you’ll be so enraged that you’ll have energy to write a post of your own.
So, Healthy Strokes claims to be a site giving advice about sex and mainly masturbation. However, we’re all doing it wrong. Want to know why? Here are just a few reasons.
- Masturbation on your stomach is “Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.”
- Anal play will result in “distention of your rectum, bleeding, and excruciating pain.”
- Vibrator use will result in “vibrator fatigue.”
- Dildos are just “penis shaped objects” – you should obviously want the real thing.
- Young people who write him saying they are queer are obviously just too young to understand.
Number 5 is the one that set me off. Take this for example. It’s a very simple question and he manages to insult this girl’s sexuality – worst thing? – he’s so fucking casual about it.
I think I’m a lesbian. I have strong feelings for women, and men don’t turn me on. I masturbate a lot, but it only feels good for a few seconds, and then I just stop. My friends say that theirs last for a long time. We had a sleep over and we all talked about our ways of masturbating (we all do it) and we all pretty much do it the same, and I stopped first. I was a little embarrassed. I heard about oral sex. How does that work? What do females do to another? (age 13)
I hope you won’t decide for sure that you’re a lesbian until you get masturbation down (to orgasm) and learn more about how lesbians (and straights) have sex, oral and otherwise. A lot of girls your age haven’t masturbated at all, so don’t be discouraged that you’re not able to masturbate to orgasm yet.
Oh noes. Because a girl being open about her sexuality and the fact that she’s queer at age 13 is a bad thing, you know, not a sign of courage or self-understanding. Never. Seriously, what the fucking hell? What does “I hope you decide for sure that you’re a lesbian. . . ” even mean? He wants to make sure she can experience the Almighty Lord Man Cock? Really? This one I just could not believe. But unfortunately it gets better at times.
I had sex in August with this 17 year old guy. Since then I’ve been masturbating more. Is that normal? I think I’m either lesbian or bisexual. I like guys a little but I get turned on more by girls. I have a lesbian friend and I might tell her. Do you think that that’s a good idea to tell her? How do you know if you are lesbian or bi? (age 14)
It frequently happens that a girl will masturbate more once she’s been sexually active. That’s also a sign that you enjoyed sex and points to you not being a lesbian. It’s OK if you want to discuss the matter with your friend. It sounds like she’s open about her sexuality. I think you’ll know by the time you’re 18 or so based on what your fantasies are and how you react to being around males and females.
At this point you’re saying, “Saraid, why the lime green part?” Well, obviously I’m doin’ it wrong because I didn’t realize I was queer until I was 20. Yep, 20. This means my “fantasies and how I react being around males and females” are totally working wrong. Damn body.
Also, she liked sex with a man. This is obviously a sign she’s not queer, right? Right. Sorry, Doug. My mistake there. Keep on spreadin’ the good word.
There is this girl who was in my class last semester. She was also in my class the semester before that. We became friends, and I admired her smarts, confidence, and how boys were always attracted to her. She is a year older than I am. There were a lot of mean boys that would make sexual innuendos towards her. She would never really defend herself that well, and sometimes encouraged the teasing. When I first heard a comment about her ”being a stripper,” I was mad and thought she does look attractive, but I am not a lesbian and I’d rather not think of her naked. As the semester progressed, I started to become attracted to her and felt the same love and lust kind of feelings as I normally would with a guy. She was actually one of the first real people I’ve felt sexually attracted to. Do you think this is real attraction or just powers of suggestion? Also, do you think I’m gay? I think of women a lot, although I am more attracted to men. (age 15)
If you are spending this much time obsessing about someone of the same gender, you might be a lesbian. But if you’re more attracted to men, maybe it’s just a crush on this one girl. You seem pretty confused. Why not give it a year or two before you try acting on it?
Yeah Doug, because waiting for your sexuality to “sort itself out” is a great fucking idea. My sophomore year of college when I was finally thinking for myself and not thinking about what other people thought I went on a date with a woman. You know what this did? It made everything make sense rather than confuse me. I was queer and I realized it. It was the best moment ever when I finally understood years of confusion.
But, sorry Doug. I guess I should have just waited it out for the sake of TEH MENZ that I could have been offending.
My thirteen-year-old cousin told me he thinks he might be gay. I told him he’s still quite young to decide this. When I told him that, he became upset and thought I was discriminating against him. What should I do to comfort him and let him know I’m okay with whatever sexuality he chooses, without making him think I am sure he is homosexual? (age 15)
I think what you said was just fine.
Now, I don’t think the kid asking him this should be faulted in any manner, but this response is far from complete and far from acceptable. He could have suggested that the kid asking listen to his cousin’s feelings, ask why he feels that way and say that he feels honored that his cousin would trust him enough to tell him something so personal. But no, he didn’t say any of that. Also, telling a kid they’re too young to decide if he or she is queer is ridiculous. You are not that kid, Doug. You have no idea what’s going on in his head or how he really feels.
As a conclusion, this guy is not qualified to give sex advice and to tell young people how they feel about their own sexuality. This reeks of homophobia and intolerance. This hits home with me and makes me sad that there are young people out there taking this idiot’s word.
Really now?
Mar 12th
For those of you who watch a lot of TV, I’m sure you’ve seen the new Dentyne Ice commercial that equates chewing gum to condoms. While I realize it’s supposed to be a joke, I think it’s irresponsible and makes safe sex into a joke rather than the serious issue that it is.
For those of you that haven’t seen it, here it is:
Any other thoughts? Am I overreacting here?
Fear and Loathing: My experience with male entitlement and sexual harassment
Jan 26th
WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERING MATERIAL
An upcoming post by my good friend Epiphora made me start thinking about my own personal past experiences with male entitlement. Before reading her post I never thought I had run into any harassment from men and was quite thankful for it, but after reading, I realized that I had been repressing certain past events or even erasing whole parts of them to paint a prettier picture. Therefore, I decided that I needed to speak out about these acts, for myself and for other women who have experienced the same.
Event #1: Asshole Concert-Going Guy
I was at a show in 2004 (I was 15 at the time) at about this time of year with a small group of friends. We got let in early because one of my friends had dated the security guy. It was a relatively small venue as it held only 400 people at maximum capacity, so we pressed ourselves against the stage waiting for the waves of people that would eventually crush us. Somehow I end up in front of a guy who seemed nice – not overly good looking, but he was “normal” looking and was with a couple of friends. However, I soon realized he was drunk. This guy wasn’t just your average fumbling drunk though, he definitely had a routine that he had practiced before.
As the show started the crowd pushed forward, so in what I at first thought was a good gesture he stood behind me, planting on hand on the stage as to prevent people from completely crushing me making it difficult to breath (which I soon found out was something I much preferred to this asshole). After a few minutes he wrapped the other free arm (the left, yes, I still remember) around my waist. I thought, “Okay, whatever, just to keep me from falling over.” Soon I heard him laughing and mumbling something to his friend, which I later found out was a bet to get me to have sex with him by the end of the night. The next 45 minutes to an hour were filled with this guy not-so-subtlety trying to get his hands up my shirt and down my pants. I’m not sure what he thought this would accomplish considering we were in a room full of 400 people.
Luckily, I eventually got the attention of my friend Christie and she came over and pulled me out of there.
While it was going on I was scared shitless. This was my first encounter with harassment, and to be honest I didn’t even know how big a deal it was until recently thinking about it and writing this. I was a victim. Just because he never got to rape me (as I’m sure he would have) doesn’t mean that I was any less objectified and abused. I now realize this and am better for it.
Event #2: Mr. “All women should bow to me”
While this case is nowhere near the first one I have presented here I think it is still relevant to the post. I went to Mexico for two months in 2006 on a study abroad program. It was absolutely fabulous, but what wasn’t fabulous was a certain guy’s sense of entitlement and his idea that all American women are “sluts.”
He was a good friend of my host brother who I had met a couple of times, and oddly enough I have no hard feelings against him even though I should. José Pablo was probably not a bad guy, but through an injection of machismo they must be giving every Mexican boy at birth, he thought he was the gift to women that we all needed. One day when my host parents weren’t home my host brother brought him over and we chatted for a while, but something was odd – You know those smiles guys have on their face when they are scanning you up and down like a piece of meat? Yeah, he had one. But I was so used to the construction workers yelling obscene things in bad English to me on the streets that I ignored it.
Little did I know that my host brother had been “commissioned” to play matchmaker. Matchmaker not so much – it seemed like he was more my pimp than anything else. Against the rules of my program I got in the car with them and drove around. The time I started to get nervous was when I noticed we were going up into the mountains which are very sparsely populated with absolutely nothing in them – why were they taking me there?
We got out of the car, José Pablo tried to get me to smoke, I said no thanks and he automatically called me “fresa,” which in a nutshell is high-class, stuck-up, not giving up anything to just any guy. Yeah, we were already off to a bad start. After that he pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me. I honestly wasn’t too into it, but figured it would be easier to go along with it than tell him no – besides, it was only kissing, right?
Well, soon my host brother got tossed the keys to the guy’s car and was told he could drive away for a while. Keep in mind that none of this was done with me in the conversation – I was standing right there, but they acted like I was some kind of property. Soon, I got scared. I was alone in this isolated place, up against a wall with a guy I barely knew who obviously wanted more than I did. Thankfully, he didn’t do any more than kiss me, for the moment. We went back home and I got ready to go out with friends.
Later that night I was out with my friends for dinner and he came by and dropped me a phone without saying anything. The first thought in my head, “Oh fuck. Not this shit.” He then called me and asked me to come outside – I found him there on the sidewalk with my host brother asking me to get in the car. This time I tried to stand up for myself and say that I didn’t want to go with him. I went back inside and finished out the night. When I was done I went over to my host grandmother’s house waiting for my mom to come pick me up, but the thing is, my host brother had called my mom and said to pick me up at José Pablo’s house an hour later.
He ended up getting me on the couch and repeated trying to get my underwear off (I was wearing a skirt) even though I was plainly saying no. He then couldn’t believe that I didn’t at least want to give him a blowjob. A few minutes later my mom showed up to get me, I’d never been more relieved to see her.
In conclusion
I’m fortunate enough to currently be in a stable, loving relationship with a guy who sees me as more than just a piece of meat. I’m also fortunate that the worst didn’t happen in those situations and that I wasn’t raped. But the fear I felt was defintely real.
If you’ve ever had anything similar happen to you, please speak up and write about it. This happens more than we care to believe and until women start voicing what has happened, it won’t stop.
