On being a victim-blaming asshole
I usually don’t write up response posts because I feel I don’t have the eloquence to say what needs to be said; however, a certain post written directly as a response to Britni’s attack pushed me over the edge. Victim blaming unfortunately has become a popular sport not only amongst misogynist men, but also misogynist women. Need examples? Take a look over at the first post I linked to and scroll down to the comments.
Which leads us to why people choose to be victim-blaming idiots. Why? Because they want to feel they have control. Nothing like what happened to Britni could ever happen to them, right? They obviously aren’t “asking for it.”
I wrote about my own close encounters with sexual assault a while back and let me tell you, I, like Britni, was definitely not asking for it. Why then did I have this happen to me? Because there are douches everywhere. No matter where you live, what class you come from, or how you dress, walk, or talk there will always be people waiting to take advantage of you and violate your bodily autonomy. You’re sitting there reading this thinking, “Oh, well, I’m not going to go out and act like Britni.” Well, great for you for not going out and having fun like a normal person, but you should know that the majority of sexual assaults are done by people you know and trust. You are, my friend, at risk.
So let’s recap a little bit. So we’ve established that:
- People can be victim-blaming douches
- Even those people are at risk for being sexually assaulted
- Even if you only go out with people you know, you are still at risk for being assaulted by a good friend
Considering all of these things, why is it that people feel the need to keep on blaming the victim? Again, it’s about being in control and distancing themselves from the possibility of this happening to them. Why do men* blame the victim? They want to distance themselves from the attacker because they are also a man.
I’m really sick of victim-blaming sex bloggers. You sit there and claim to be sex positive and you’re making yourself seem like the Tea Party or the “Miniskirt Judge” from Spain. Quit claiming to be one thing and then being so obviously the other.
Britni, I’m sorry you had to go through this shit so soon (or ever really) after an assault. I really respect you for staying so strong throughout this whole ordeal.
*heterosexual cis-men
about 2 months ago
Thank you so much for this. <3
about 2 months ago
Victim-blaming, especially coming from women, strikes me as mostly based on a sort of misguided superstition. Despite consistent evidence indicating that people of all genders and sexual orientations and walks of life are sexually assaulted in a wide variety of situations, usually by people they know and consider “safe”, these victim-blaming women still cling desperately to the quaint notion that sexual assault can be warded off with the “right” outfit or body language or other “precautions,” even though it works about as well as warding of the bubonic plague by wearing a special amulet.
about 2 months ago
Everything you say is so very true. Thank you for pointing out the sex negativity.
about 1 month ago
I agree with your post, but I do not agree that only ‘heterosexual cis-men” blame the victim. I think saying that is wrong, since I, and others I’d wager, have experiences that directly contradict that.
If you’re going to knock other people for being falsely sex positive, you might wanna check yourself before having similarly discriminatory comments on your blog.
Rape is not a cis-man vs women problem. Rape is not a man vs women problem. Rape is not a woman vs woman problem. Rape is not a trans-person vs cis-person problem. Rape is a HUMAN problem. EVERYONE is affected regardless of gender, sex, sexuality, or how they feel that particular day.
Painting it as anything else is nearly as bad, to me, as blaming the victim, since you are simply shifting blame to another party to, as you say, distance yourself from it. You don’t want responsibility so you push it onto “heterosexual cis-men”.
I know I’ll be knocked for saying this but… fuck it. I am sick of “heterosexual cis-men” being OKAY to name, blame, and shame on sex blogs that claim positivity. It’s not right, no more so than any of the other bullshit that goes on on these blogs, and people need to realize that by shitting on others we’re not actually doing anything to better our situation- we’re just shitting up the place MORE and eventually someone has to clean up all of our collective shit.
about 1 month ago
DD,
I totally agree that it’s a universal problem. I was, in my specific post, referring to only hetero cis-men. That does not mean that I think they are the only demographic involved nor do I think cis-women are the only demographic affected by sexual assault. It was just used in this specific post for clarification purposes.