Fear and Loathing: My experience with male entitlement and sexual harassment
WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERING MATERIAL
An upcoming post by my good friend Epiphora made me start thinking about my own personal past experiences with male entitlement. Before reading her post I never thought I had run into any harassment from men and was quite thankful for it, but after reading, I realized that I had been repressing certain past events or even erasing whole parts of them to paint a prettier picture. Therefore, I decided that I needed to speak out about these acts, for myself and for other women who have experienced the same.
Event #1: Asshole Concert-Going Guy
I was at a show in 2004 (I was 15 at the time) at about this time of year with a small group of friends. We got let in early because one of my friends had dated the security guy. It was a relatively small venue as it held only 400 people at maximum capacity, so we pressed ourselves against the stage waiting for the waves of people that would eventually crush us. Somehow I end up in front of a guy who seemed nice – not overly good looking, but he was “normal” looking and was with a couple of friends. However, I soon realized he was drunk. This guy wasn’t just your average fumbling drunk though, he definitely had a routine that he had practiced before.
As the show started the crowd pushed forward, so in what I at first thought was a good gesture he stood behind me, planting on hand on the stage as to prevent people from completely crushing me making it difficult to breath (which I soon found out was something I much preferred to this asshole). After a few minutes he wrapped the other free arm (the left, yes, I still remember) around my waist. I thought, “Okay, whatever, just to keep me from falling over.” Soon I heard him laughing and mumbling something to his friend, which I later found out was a bet to get me to have sex with him by the end of the night. The next 45 minutes to an hour were filled with this guy not-so-subtlety trying to get his hands up my shirt and down my pants. I’m not sure what he thought this would accomplish considering we were in a room full of 400 people.
Luckily, I eventually got the attention of my friend Christie and she came over and pulled me out of there.
While it was going on I was scared shitless. This was my first encounter with harassment, and to be honest I didn’t even know how big a deal it was until recently thinking about it and writing this. I was a victim. Just because he never got to rape me (as I’m sure he would have) doesn’t mean that I was any less objectified and abused. I now realize this and am better for it.
Event #2: Mr. “All women should bow to me”
While this case is nowhere near the first one I have presented here I think it is still relevant to the post. I went to Mexico for two months in 2006 on a study abroad program. It was absolutely fabulous, but what wasn’t fabulous was a certain guy’s sense of entitlement and his idea that all American women are “sluts.”
He was a good friend of my host brother who I had met a couple of times, and oddly enough I have no hard feelings against him even though I should. José Pablo was probably not a bad guy, but through an injection of machismo they must be giving every Mexican boy at birth, he thought he was the gift to women that we all needed. One day when my host parents weren’t home my host brother brought him over and we chatted for a while, but something was odd – You know those smiles guys have on their face when they are scanning you up and down like a piece of meat? Yeah, he had one. But I was so used to the construction workers yelling obscene things in bad English to me on the streets that I ignored it.
Little did I know that my host brother had been “commissioned” to play matchmaker. Matchmaker not so much – it seemed like he was more my pimp than anything else. Against the rules of my program I got in the car with them and drove around. The time I started to get nervous was when I noticed we were going up into the mountains which are very sparsely populated with absolutely nothing in them – why were they taking me there?
We got out of the car, José Pablo tried to get me to smoke, I said no thanks and he automatically called me “fresa,” which in a nutshell is high-class, stuck-up, not giving up anything to just any guy. Yeah, we were already off to a bad start. After that he pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me. I honestly wasn’t too into it, but figured it would be easier to go along with it than tell him no – besides, it was only kissing, right?
Well, soon my host brother got tossed the keys to the guy’s car and was told he could drive away for a while. Keep in mind that none of this was done with me in the conversation – I was standing right there, but they acted like I was some kind of property. Soon, I got scared. I was alone in this isolated place, up against a wall with a guy I barely knew who obviously wanted more than I did. Thankfully, he didn’t do any more than kiss me, for the moment. We went back home and I got ready to go out with friends.
Later that night I was out with my friends for dinner and he came by and dropped me a phone without saying anything. The first thought in my head, “Oh fuck. Not this shit.” He then called me and asked me to come outside – I found him there on the sidewalk with my host brother asking me to get in the car. This time I tried to stand up for myself and say that I didn’t want to go with him. I went back inside and finished out the night. When I was done I went over to my host grandmother’s house waiting for my mom to come pick me up, but the thing is, my host brother had called my mom and said to pick me up at José Pablo’s house an hour later.
He ended up getting me on the couch and repeated trying to get my underwear off (I was wearing a skirt) even though I was plainly saying no. He then couldn’t believe that I didn’t at least want to give him a blowjob. A few minutes later my mom showed up to get me, I’d never been more relieved to see her.
In conclusion
I’m fortunate enough to currently be in a stable, loving relationship with a guy who sees me as more than just a piece of meat. I’m also fortunate that the worst didn’t happen in those situations and that I wasn’t raped. But the fear I felt was defintely real.
If you’ve ever had anything similar happen to you, please speak up and write about it. This happens more than we care to believe and until women start voicing what has happened, it won’t stop.
about 6 months ago
Oh god, I was not paying enough attention when I wrote that comment. Can you delete it? LOL It should be:
Lately, I have been thinking about my own issues with harassment. One thing I have particularly noticed is that, because I am short, men try to tower over me as a way to prevent escape I suppose. It makes me super uncomfortable and has resulted, on separate occasions, of me literally being back into a corner or against a wall. One of those guys was an acquaintance/coworker and I told him to cut it out or I’d have to file harassment charges. He did but we were not longer friendly. And although I know it shouldn’t, it made me feel guilty.
about 6 months ago
As somebody who used to run exchange programs for kids the same age as you must have been then, can I just tell you how ANGRY it made me when I read this:
“Against the rules of my program I got in the car with them and drove around.”
I don’t want to get into ‘victim blaming’ or anything along those lines, but I do wish kids on these programs would realize that THIS IS EXACTLY WHY RULES LIKE THIS ARE IMPLEMENTED.
Rape and sexual harassment are only ever the FAULT of the sexual predator who commits them; but I wish kids were more sensible and able to see that by ignoring rules like these, they give sexual predators an opportunity to commit sexual harassment or rape that they might not otherwise have had.
I realize that this isn’t the position you probably expected anybody to take, but I have a unique perspective. I actually got OUT of that business specifically because these stupid kids would break the rules time and time again and I said to myself, with a sense of dread: “One of these days, something bad’s going to happen to one of them.”
I didn’t want to be in a position of responsibility when that happened, because the kids would break the rules, put themselves in a vulnerable position and my ability to protect them from predators would be compromised. It was TERRIFYING.
about 6 months ago
I am sorry that had to happen to you, and that was a great post.
I never understood why men could never understand the word “no”. I have been with with my guy for almost 6 years (I was almost 16 when we started dating) and he has always been great…but other guys were assholes. I had experiences where I would be making out with a guy and he would try to put his hands down my pants and I ALWAYS moved them and even said no a couple of times, but it was like he/they never got the message and kept trying. There were many times where I just “gave up”. Pisses me right off, how many assholes there are out there.
about 6 months ago
@Champagne & Benzedrine: If you have to say “I don’t want to get into ‘victim blaming,’” you are getting into victim blaming.
Saraid, I am both sorry that these things happened and relieved that they didn’t go any farther. Unfortunately, so many of us are trained to believe that harassment is normal, so it is not at all unusual to completely forget shit that happened. Thank you for writing this post.
about 6 months ago
Champagne and Benzedrine:
I don’t want to get into ‘victim blaming’ or anything along those lines, but I do wish kids on these programs would realize that THIS IS EXACTLY WHY RULES LIKE THIS ARE IMPLEMENTED.
THEN DON’T. Because comments like that ARE victim blaming. Like the one on the post about my rape that implied that because I didn’t go to the police afterwards that it would be my fault if it happened to someone else.
The correct response? Look, people make bad decisions, but that in no way excuses what happened to them, and it in no way makes it their fault. We all do stupid shit, but we don’t deserve to be harassed, or assaulted, or raped, or whatever because of it.
And your comment is victim-blaming every way you look at it. And you claim to be trying to fight on women’s sides, yet you often make comments that we blatantly show do nothing but promote this kind of thinking. Maybe you should stop talking and starting listening for a little while, because there are reasons that comments like that, and actions like the ones Saraid has written about, don’t make anything better. And we’re trying to tell you.
Saraid, thank you so much for writing this post. Like we spoke about earlier, harassment has been so normalized for us, and we come to expect it and excuse it so often. It’s not your fault, and I’m so sorry that you had to go through any of this.
about 6 months ago
Britni – this isn’t about the harrasment. As I said, it’s about a different issue that Saraid happened to reveal – a minor comment that had major resonance with me,
As I said, explicitly, directly, SPECIFICALLY – rape and sexual harassment are only the ‘fault’ of the dickheads who commit them. I really resent when people neatly ignore the fact that I write these things.
But try looking at it from an alternative perspective – I used to have a job in which parents entrusted me with the wellbeing of their teenagers like Saraid – and we established rules to create an environment in which we could realistically keep them safe. And there’d always be these stupid – and they WERE stupid – kids who’d get into cars or leave the group or break whatever rule it is that we established to try and keep them safe and PUT THEMSELVES IN DANGER.
And if anything happened to them (and thank fuck, nothing did during my tenure) there would be NOTHING I could have done to prevent it. Yet I was held responsible by them and their parents. Seriously, I’d have been sued.
So, yes, from a uniquely personal perspective that you aren’t trying to see from, I take this post kind of personally because it’s a situation in which parents, kids and the law held ME responsible for kids doing something FUCKING STUPID.
I was the person meant to look after them, and even though they broke the rules and put themselves in a dangerous situation in which I was no longer able to protect them, I was still apparently legally and morally responsible for them.,
I really recommend this post on Eden Fantasys http://www.edencafe.com/taking-responsibility/
I’m not going to apologize for my deeply personal perspective on this particular scenario.
about 6 months ago
C&B,
I’ve read that post. And it angered the fuck out of me. And by putting the word “fault” in quotes, you completely take away the point of the word. I don’t care how “deeply personal” your perspective is on this scenario. I don’t care what “rules” you set for teens. The fact of the matter is, even if teens break the rules, they don’t deserve harassment.
Going back to the post you linked to, just because a girl goes to a frat party and drinks, doesn’t mean that she deserves to get raped. The thing is, “bad decisions” are only bad decisions because of the rape culture we live in. Under “normal” circumstances, they are just “a girl getting in a car with guys to get a ride somewhere” or “a girl going to talk in a room with a guy she met at a party.”
It’s the rape culture of male aggression and entitlement that makes it a “bad decision.” And you fail to understand that. Repeatedly. You think you’re “helping” but you’re not. The way you talk about rape perpetuates the thinking that causes rape culture. Because, whether subtly or not, it blames the victim. And by saying the “fault” lies with the perpetrators, you again disregard it by putting some of it on the victim. There is no “fault.” There is FAULT.
And while I appreciate males joining in on the discussion, I don’t appreciate it when they perpetuate the kind of shit we’re trying to eliminate under the guise of being on our side. Saraid did nothing wrong. People took what they felt entitled to. END OF STORY, RULES OR NO RULES.
And maybe you don’t get where we’re coming from, because we’re women speaking to you. Maybe if a man said EXACTLY what we’re saying, it would help. And so, I recommend reading Hugo Schwyzer, or Figleaf, who I’ve pointed you to before. Because you claim to fighting with us, but your comments work against us, and perpetuate all the same bullshit that we fight every day of our lives.
I don’t care where you worked. What happened to you. YOU ARE STILL BLAMING THE VICTIM. And it needs to fucking stop.
about 6 months ago
@Champagne & Benzedrine: Were YOU Saraid’s counselor? No. So this is not “deeply personal” to you. What would be deeply personal would be actually reading Saraid’s post and empathizing. Caring. Supporting. But yet again, your ego took over and you decided to wring your hands about a TINY detail from Saraid’s post, rather than address what actually fucking matters.
Also, you have no damn right to imply that Saraid is stupid. You seriously have no clue how much victim blaming you’re actually perpetrating. Like just this quote from your first comment: “they give sexual predators an opportunity to commit sexual harassment or rape.” THEY GIVE? REALLY?
about 6 months ago
After a night to think about it, I have to admit that YES- I was victim blaming, so I apologize. Also, I’d concentrated on one tiny aspect of Saraid’s post and ignored the larger issue. Again, I apologize – that’s the kind of behavior I was bitching about in previous posts so I should not be hypocritical and repeat it.
Anyway. I’ve tried a hundred time in my head to articulate the point I’m trying to make and I can’t without it coming out exactly the same way – so I won’t.
The only person responsible for committing rape or sexual harassment is the person who commits it. The victim can be sitting at home in her sweatpants or wearing a tiny skirt in a club and how she behaves never, EVER justifies somebody raping her.
I wish I could explain my thought process better because I think it’s legitimate. Rules like the car one are put in place because if they’re not followed, bad things can happen. Here we have an example of somebody ignoring the rules and, low and behold, a BAD THING HAPPENS.
What can you DO with that? It’s not right to ignore it, like you’re doing here. It’s also not right to suggest that Saraid was responsible for her harassment, which is (even though I tried not to) what I was doing here.
I think, wish, or at least want it to be possible to fully accept that the only person responsible for a rape is the rapist, but STILL expect people to have some modicum of personal responsibility about their safety.
If this post had a message saying: “Hey, kids, learn from my example, if you break the rules something like this might happen to you” would make it sound like Saraid was responsible for the abuse she got from the hands of the Mexican guy.
Yet, however offensive that might be, it would still probably have a much more positive effect in preventing a rapist from having the opportunity to strike – much more positive than just kevetching about male entitlement.
YES, we live in a rape culture and YES we should do everything we can to change that, to change the preconceptions that some men have that they’re ‘entitled’ to treat women in a certain way.
But until we succeed in changing that culture, I think we should accept that we need to adjust our behavior to protect ourselves in it.
about 6 months ago
Hi everyone. I just wanted to say I really appreciate everyone’s comments and perspectives even if I don’t agree with all of them.
Also, C&B, that last comment may be the best articulated comment I’ve seen you post, so for that I commend you. I can see your point even though I may not fully agree with it.